…To be continued

Hey lovelies,

I’m currently sitting in a coffee shop. Attempting to find an online version of Pride & Prejudice. I’m trying to keep myself preoccupied while I wait the three long hours before church begins. Ultimately, I’ve been finding it difficult to be alone and to feel contented while alone. I didn’t feel that way before. Or at least I don’t remember being.

I can’t help but allow my curious nature to wander off into the atmosphere around me. Listening intently to the clinging of the coffee cups and the faint clank of the spoon hitting the side. I await intently.

Theres a conversation between two young men. Both in the medical field I presume.. Most likely students due to their disposition. A brunette with a dusty novel sits ahead. Her hair falling across the table..She steadily acquires the room. Scanning with contempt before carefully placing her book and other belongings in her bag.

I long for something more than this city, this air is too stale and it rains far too often here.  Similarity has bred its contempt in me, and I want out. At the same time reason and logic. The two voices opposed to my nature tend to speak at times like this. They interrupt my faint dreaming and quiet contemplations. Leaving me worried again. What if I never “make it?”

Morning!

Hey lovelies!

I started this blog to keep me sane during the summer break from college. I don’t have a part-time job yet and I’m a bit all over the place atm (If you couldn’t already tell from my other posts), and I just want to vent.

Blogging for me right now is not about gaining popularity.

It’s therapy…

Over the years I’ve vented my frustration and mental health issues to friends, family and…well, even to trained professionals.

I’m not saying that these options won’t work for you. The amount of business these people get is incredible. So they must be doing something right. Maybe i just never found “the one” haha.

I’m not going to lie to you all and pretend that everything is perfect right now. I know it will be at some point, but right now I’m discontented and at times I’ve felt so low that I’ve unfortunately meditated on the idea of not being here anymore.

Point of the matter is, that I don’t want to get that low again. It comes in abs and flows and there’s just so much going on that I can’t seem to control my thoughts. And that’s why  I’m here.

I promise you if you offered me a plane ticket in the morning I would run with a smile. I want to get so far away from here. It’s not that I want to run from problems…The problems here are solved, forgiven. I just know in my spirit that I’m not supposed to be here much longer.

I have to leave…

I’m coping as best as I can here. I really am trying. However, I can’t help feel  like there is a life awaiting me. A life on different soil. They say grass isn’t always greener on the other side…but I say the grass doesn’t have to be. Maybe the sun just shines more…And lets face it. Where I’m from, I could do with a little sun. I’m probably completely vitamin deficient.

For my next post I’m going to grab a coffee from downstairs and write a list of all the things I want. A year from now I want to look back at it and reflect. A lot of my wants feel just like needs but we shall see I guess.

 

 

Love xo

…Is it wrong for me to be negative?

My mind is flooded by the emptiness of it all

I never see you

Feel you

The only think making sense

…Is it wrong to love the moon even though it never touches you

The light shines

Pressing against you

Late nights

Late sky. Faint light?

The only thing making sense

Foreboding is the creep in the feeble delight I hope to hold on to;

And I miss you

We chase the moon and stars ; never stay too long

I dream of lying next to you.

Grabbing a coffee with you.

Playing with your hair…

Your eyes are so empty and void of feeling sometimes

I’m here…

I want to hold the hand that kisses my skin

Wrap life around the bare bones of your life,

and keep you,

I want to keep you.

Anonymous

Hey lovelies xo

I’m just after waking up…

That might seem quite an odd time depending on where you are. My site time always changes. I assumed if I change the site time then I will be able to connect more with different people from around the world. I really want to stay away from responses from “home”.

Does that make sense?

Any who, I really want to know whether I should remain somewhat anonymous on this or whether I should bare all and show you guys who I am.

You see, there is a feeling of such safety when remaining anonymous. I get to completely express myself. Let my crazy side out. Vent all my inner pain and torments with you. Without fear of retribution.

Do you think staying anonymous is going to take away from the fact that I want this blog to be real and super authentic.

Or do you think it’s a good concept..?

Please let me know what you think.

 

Love always xo

Fear

I fear that I will never regain the lost trust. I mean you guys I’ve struggled to trust other human beings ever since I can remember. It all began in my childhood. I began to feel like a broken record. I cried to for love and attention but nobody truly listened to me.

I can remember countless moments where the very people who were created to protect me did the exact opposite. I yearned to be loved. I wanted normality. I wanted a “normal” home. I just wanted to be like the other children.

My teen years quickly approached and I began to point out all the things that were an injustice in my sight.

Countless therapists, and ill prescribed medication and here I am.

I want to live. I wasn’t to leave that filthy past behind me and I want to seek the things that excite my soul. I no longer want to feel crushed, worthless or subject to another. I want some version of freedom. I don’t always think you can be free in this world. However, part of me would feel quite exhilarated if only I could run in circles in a bigger wheel.

Okay, that sounds seriously depressing…I think I may have watched too many David Ike videos in my time.

Anyway,

I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I just want to get away from this awful place. I want to breathe new air. I want to create and I want to be beside the man I love. Family, visas, money…are all in my way at the moment.

It is the most frustrating thing in the world.

Another aspect of the fear I have is that I fear he will leave. I’m not used to someone staying like he does…They usually give up on me.

I’m certainly not the easiest person to be around. I mean, I have anxiety and depression. I have sparse manic episodes where I make rash decisions out of thin air…and I can be too much.

Too sad

Too happy

Too quiet

But he always tells me never to apologise. And he always tells me I’m not a burden.

The child inside me cries. Awaiting the loneliness she is made to endure.

I hope I’ll be Okay someday.

The Body Positivity Movement

My thoughts can vary greatly on this movement. But let’s be real my thoughts change every minute of everyday.

One thing I will say however is that for the most part I totally am in love with the body positive movement. I’m and UK size 12 and I’m not exactly small in my eyes. I have varied between an 8 and a 16. My body changes daily. Some days I’m bloated as heck and feel awful and the next day i think I’m god’s gift to humanity.

Lets face it though…Regardless of size. All women need this movement. We all feel insecure sometimes and we all need to know our worth goes far beyond our size.

My introduction to this movement began years ago when I started watching  a YouTuber called LoeyLane. She opened my eyes to the concept of self-worth and made me feel so beautiful in the body I was in. I think A LOT of people misunderstood her take on the movement. Loey, to me was all about health. She just believed in loving yourself in whatever stage you were at. Love enables you to be free. To body shame yourself or hate yourself because of extra skin or thinking you’re too thin just leads to destructive behaviour.

I still struggle with my eating disorder to today. I still struggle with the woman I see in the mirror, but that doesn’t mean she has no worth.

It got so bad in the past that I used to self harm to release all the pain I was feeling.

For example, yesterday I refused to go to an interview for a summer job because I thought I looked “disgustingly fat”.

The body positive movement is not about numbers. It is about empowering all women to love themselves regardless of appearance whether that’s their perception or the perceived notions of others.

The movement helped me so much over the past few years and Loey to this day continues to be an inspiration to me.

Take care of yourself. Do yoga, then eat some cake…Life is all about that balance my dear!

“There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty.”
― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

Theres Nothing I want More

To be on a plane

To you

 

Created..

Incandescent and right,

You are my Home.

 

To stare at the clouds and be above with them.

To gaze down on the past forgiven and fled.

 

I wish to flee

 

Like the birds of flight and the rocky breath of the ocean

 

I was meant to be without you for a time as this.